It is hard to measure how well a blog does by anything else other than the number of
hits it receives from the readers. But a cool thing is when you as the readers write in to us.
I take that to mean you like our writing and you actually feel like you get something out of
it, so you have started to write in with topics and questions. I am now in possession of one of those questions; A woman wrote in asking to talk about breaking up from a serious relationship. As it just so happens, I am your resident writer with the most recent heartbreak experience,
so I have become your voice for this topic!
First off if you are reading this and your heart is broken. I'm genuinely sorry. It just
sucks. There are very few positives when it comes to break ups and the truth is, when it
first happens you aren't looking for them. You are sad and hurt and you don't know how you
will get out of bed in the morning. Let me share some good news with you though, you will
get out of bed. You will get up tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. When
your heart feels so dark and heavy, the sun will rise and shed some light on the darkness
and you will awaken from the sadness.
I am a very different person than that girl who had to pick herself up off the ground. For more than 5 years I had been a part of a unit and then all of sudden I was sent back out into the world as a party of 1
Almost a year and a half ago I went through a week of fighting with my fiance that ended
in our engagement being broken and him moving out. Now, I'm going to tell you what
my mom told me that first night. As she basically picked me up off the floor in a mess of
tears and tissues, she told me that this was for the best and after time passes it won't hurt
as much. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my mom. But when any person is having what I
can only describe as a panic attack, being told that in a years time it won't hurt as much
really doesn't seem helpful. You want something right that second to take away the pain,
to put the pieces of your heart back together and to make you feel like the sun might still
rise tomorrow. Here it comes...and you're going to hate me...time really is a great healer.
A lot of healing and growing and learning has gone into the last 18 months of my life, but I
don't feel the way I did that Sunday night months ago. I am a very different person than
that girl who had to pick herself up off the ground. For more than 5 years I had been a part
of a unit and then all of sudden I was sent back out into the world as a party of 1.
So, I have learned a thing or two about what it means to have a serious break up and what
it means to be single in 2014. Here we go;
1) You are going to be sad. You are going to want to cry at the drop of a hat when
someone says something to you or you hear a song that you shared with your ex. You
know what? Short of being at work, cry when you feel like crying, don't feel like you
need to hold it in. On the flip side of that, if you are having a moment of joy then by all
means go be happy! Get dressed and go out and have a drink or a fancy coffee, go see a
movie, go dancing even! Basically point number one is that you are going to feel a wide
range of emotions and I want you to live them out!
2) A strong person knows when they need to ask for help. Asking for help is not a sign
of weakness. If you have someone you can reach out to, do it. Otherwise I have learned
that there are many avenues available to you through work or government benefits.
Needing help does not signal weakness, it is only a signal that you are a human being
and not a super hero.
3)The hidden joy of being single is not having to check in with another person,
the opportunity to explore interests you have that are unique to you. Want to take a
painting class? Do it! Want to buy a new instrument and take a lesson? Do it! Always
wanted to take a trip? Take a single vacation and go lay on the beach at an all inclusive
place with baby blue water and white sand. When you are an adult who is single you
really don't have many things to be responsible for besides maybe a job and pet. This
is the time to rediscover what truly and honestly makes you happy. When my life felt
upside down I got a new hobby, took a new job and found a church that I am absolutely
in love with. All things that make me happy and I have to only answer to myself about
them. The more busy you stay, the less time you will have to focus on and pick apart
what just happened in your life. Stay busy and look forward to new things. Getting over
the past is hard, especially when you are mentally stuck there.
4) I felt extremely lonely for the first while. I was painfully aware that I was
a single girl who felt like she had no one. I knew I had a supportive family and a
good group of friends I could rely on, and even then I went through periods of great
loneliness. During the process of starting over, I spoke to a professional counsellor once
when the break up was still new. What she explained to me was that of course you are
going to miss the person you broke up with, you can't stop loving someone like you can
turn off a light switch. But she also told me that a lot of the feelings I had were because
I was also mourning the loss of a dream. Of the dreams and hopes I had had for my
future and how it was all going to be different now. Which makes so much sense right?
You live with someone and you grow with them and you plan out what you think your
life will look like, and then all in an instant it evaporates. I refer to point one, you are
allowed to be sad.
5) I also want you to wait to make extreme choices. It is true when you hear
people say that you will feel different in the morning, and you will say things in sadness
and anger you can't take back. It is the same with decisions; maybe you need to figure
out new living arrangements, maybe you shared a pet. These are things you need to
take a beat and think about. If you are in an unsafe situation then get out immediately,
otherwise try to be as rational as you can in your upset state.
I cannot promise you that you will be the same person you were before the break up, because what happens to us is what shapes us
Those are my 5 survival tips for a break up. Besides staying hydrated because if you
cry, you need to replenish water faster! I know that everyone deals with hardships
differently and in now way is there every going to be a full list to get you through it that
makes sense to everyone. All I can tell you is this is going to be a period of self love for
you. Go to bed on time, get some rest, eat on a regular basis (I struggled with this one, if
it wasn't for family and co workers I would have survived on coffee alone for the first few
weeks). People are going to tell you in time it will get better, and its true. There will be a
time when you wake up in the morning and you don't think of the life you were going to
have and the person you had it with. There will come a morning when you wake up and you
feel excited to have this day and all possibilities that could happen. I cannot promise you
that you will be the same person you were before the break up, because what happens to
us is what shapes us. What I can promise you is the life and happiness you once felt will
come back, and the you will keep going to sleep at night and waking up in the morning and
you will forge a new plan and slowly forget your old one. It might not feel like it right
now, but it really is going to be okay.
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