The last few months have changed me. They have caused me to re-examine my heart, my outlook on life, my attitude and my future. Yet through all this I can easily say that nothing has been more apparent to me than my personal walk with God… and how much it was lacking. I felt personally convicted in this, not as much in my lack of personal time but more so in the pathetic excuses I had for not carving out that time. In this day and age we have so many tools and resources available to us that actually make this EASIER, yet I was too lazy to look any of them up, and frankly, “God is my number one priority” was more of a Sunday morning, makes me look super Christian, kind of statement. 

After meeting with a friend for coffee we decided to meet every other week and follow this online devotional website. After completing our first devotional time together it became so clear to me that the ease and availability of it did not retract from digging into His scriptures but magnified it. I felt engaged (something this girl needs in order to pay attention), I felt challenged, and the material wasn’t from 1991, it was current and relevant in my life. I was hooked. 

​Since then I have been sitting down every other day to a devotional video. Waking up to the magnificence of what God speaks into my life, sending my introspective self into a whirlwind of discovery. As I read through some of Philippians today with Matt Chandler, I began to wonder what it was that prevented me from making this a priority before… It wasn’t the fact that I didn’t have time; because as a health and fitness enthusiast I believe that “I don’t have time” is the grownups version of the dog ate my homework. How you spend your time is a choice, and if you choose to put the new season of Vikings above personal devotion than Ragnar (main character) holds more clout than God. 
Let’s be serious though, maybe time really isn’t your issue. Maybe it’s your worth. 

You look around your life’s circumstances and come to the conclusion that where you are at, this time in your life, you just aren’t the best version of yourself to present to God. God won’t talk to you or walk with you intimately until you have your crap together. You don’t feel you are worthy because you know you are tangled up in some “not so Godly” situations or habits, you gotta kick those before you can REALLY prioritize and live your life in the way God has it all planned out. 

I’m not going to lie, even typing this makes me want to cry a little. If you truly believe that you need to be perfect or that you are not worthy, it breaks my heart because I am OH SO familiar with that place. Having to hide the crap from my friends and family because I want them to see I have it all together. Faking Christian because it’s easier to do that than face the facts that I was drowning, alone and scared of letting people in on the dirty little secrets of my imperfect life. It wasn’t until I started really listening to the stories of the Bible, hearing the stories of the prophets and the regular, day to day people that God used to carry out His amazing works. It was then I began to realize that God does not seek perfection, or us “having it together”. The life of Jesus shows us that He sought out those who needed him… He met them where they were at, healed their wounds and showed them that their worth was beyond earthly measure. 

The scariest part of all of this is vulnerability. Being okay with not being perfect and letting your community come beside you and walk through it with you. You will quickly realize that you are not alone in your situation or circumstance, that in your circle there are others who have been those the same thing, or something so similar that they will understand the burden you are carrying and they can help you carry it to the cross… and leave it there. 

To be honest I started writing this post with a completely different purpose. In fact I could say that the topic couldn’t be farther from what I ended up writing. But as I typed I felt God draw me in this direction because someone out there needs to hear this. Someone needs to hear that no matter what kind of mess that they have gotten themselves into, what kind of circumstances life has thrown at them or however broken they feel… we are promised that if we seek God we will find him. God wants you to trust in Him and to seek solace in Him. He wants to heal your heart and bring you into the amazing person that He created you to be. 

I am nowhere near perfect and nor will I ever claim to be; but every day I strive for progress… 

You are loved. 

You are cherished. ​

I recently wrote an article that asked when it was okay to not love someone, the response was tremendous. A lot of questions were asked about circumstances and situations that caused pain. What about people that harmed us? What about those who abused us? Jesus clearly pronounced judgement on the Pharisees and the religious system of His day, was that an act of love? Aren't there different types of love? These are such incredibly profound questions to wrestle with as we walk through life and build relationships. I feel like this requires more than just one article, maybe a series of articles addressing some of these issues in a personal way, a way that may challenge us, a way that might not be easy for any of us. But I believe it will be worth it. I want to invite you to take this journey with me. I can only speaking from my own experience and what I have seen others experience so I welcome your thoughts and experience.  

The first area I want to address in this conversation is the question of loving those who have harmed us. How can we love those who have caused trauma and inflicted pain in our lives? I want to say at the outset that by no means do I ever want to communicate from a place of judgement or condemnation, I realize that the process of healing past hurts is different for everyone, there is no magic formula or guaranteed program of success. I can only share from my perspective, my experience, my strength, and my hope. 

I have experienced the freedom of forgiveness, I have experienced a level of freedom in my life that I never thought was possible. If you'll allow me to be vulnerable I will share some of my story. 

My parents were very young when I was born, my mother was 15 years old for a month when I was born. My dad was only 18, he had spent the early part of his life in Argentina, and a product of a sometimes volitile environment himself. My alcoholic grandmother took me in when I was very young, not long after my sister came into the world and we became a trio. My dad was very active in my life early on, mom not so much. Grandma drank excessively, attempting to hide the pain of her own trauma and experience. Much of her depression was taken out on my sister and myself, this continued for the majority of my childhood. Around 13, my dad moved to Florida and out of anger and frustration I put walls between us. My mom had been in and out from time to time but no consistency whatsoever. Around this time I had been smoking pot and drinking. I had a neighbor who was a heroin addict, one day he started to mix his heroin in front of me and it peeked my interest. When I asked to try it, he obliged. This became the beginning of a decade plus long battle with addiction and depression. 

Over the course of my addiction I had hurt many people and been hurt by many people. I used all these things to excuse my addiction and had all but accepted that this would be my fate. The years of abuse, self inflicted and otherwise had taken it's toll. I was convinced that my life was a waste, I was just a junkie kid from the gutter and that is all I would ever be. I would act in outlandish ways then blame others for judging me. I would use and hurt people intentionally because I had been hurt and used. I couldn't tell you what love was and if I did it was some polluted version that I made up to think that I actually loved something but the truth was I didn't love myself or anyone else. I came to the end of myself in a prison cafeteria, where I experienced the radical forgiveness of God. After this experience I knew God had forgiven me but the problem was I hadn't forgiven myself, I hadn't forgiven my parents, I hadn't forgiven my grandmother,  I hadn't forgiven anyone.

I once read that harboring unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, I'm not one for clichés but that one hits the nail one the head. My unforgiveness had been a poison, it became a tool I used to discourage myself, keeping myself in the bondage of guilt, shame, and condemnation. To keep the clichés going, it was a song that made a difference, a song on forgiveness. The song was "Forgiveness" by Matthew West. I began to ask God to show me how forgiven I was, I began to ask Him what things had I done that were unforgivable. The answer I got was profound. The answer was NOTHING! I was completely forgiven. 

I came to realize that I needed to forgive myself before I could forgive anyone else. I had been my own worst enemy, my own worst critic, my own toxic relationship. I decided to spend some time in prayer and fasting. I began to confess to myself the things I had done that I hadn't let go. I began to forgive myself,  as I did I felt free. I felt weight lift off my shoulders. But that was just the beginning of the journey. I began to forgive others. I wrote down the date and their names, Everyone who I ever felt hurt me, I wrote "Today I forgive (insert name here)". As I went down the list I felt a deeper sense of freedom, a deeper sense of connection to God. After I wrote the names down, I finished it with "I forgive myself" and then I threw it away, in what I called the sea of forgetfulness! The slate was clean, I was free! Did everything get better in that instant, NO? Did it make those things okay, NO? But what it did was incredible. It changed the culture of my heart. It brought me to a place where I was ready to learn to love myself, only then would I learn to love others. 

Today many of those past relationships have been restored, my dad and I have a great relationship! Better than I could ever have thought! But some are not, nor will they ever  be. Honestly, I'm not sure how God feels about me loving people from a distance but I know my heart is new and it continues to grow so restoration is always possible. I truly believe that we can forgive people while keeping healthy boundaries. I believe we can pray for those who hurt us and hope that they experience the radical forgiveness we've been given. This journey is an ongoing experience for me, full disclosure I'm still learning how to love people, I pray I never stop.

I would love to hear your story, your experience, your struggles, and your hope.